gutterflower

2006-06-25T14:20:00.000+08:00

last friday was rach's surprise bday party. and later on in the evening when we had nothing else to do, ken, niko and ayz decided to "launch a fashion show" haha! ken walked in an out of the billiard room modelling joe's dad's jackets and hats, while the rest of us watched him and laughed our hearts out. my favorite part was when ken wore the black velvet robe (with tiger print lining) and black leather bowler hat. omigawd i literally laughed until i was crying! ahahaha! i love it! i love it!

sa calatagan. bow

2006-06-25T13:12:00.000+08:00

super fun! :)

me and the pretty coral :)

curiosity knocks the cat unconscious :p

i swear everyone who knows me well knows that i dont drink. but on this occassion i was so curious what kind of drunk i'd be if i did drink. thank god i was a boring a.k.a asleep kind of drunk and not a noisy annoying bitch

when the cat is unconscious, the mice will play :p

:)

2006-06-25T00:43:00.000+08:00

aku cinta ini orang gila

yagit-ish

i think it was all the sugar in my mom's pastries

2006-06-24T23:55:00.000+08:00

i wanted to use this as my new template. but i didnt know how to tinker with the damn html codes. sayang its so me pa naman :)

OPM and a long lost friend

2006-03-11T21:23:00.000+08:00

I find myself having a renewed appreciation and hope for Original Pinoy Music and for this I give full credit to Sugarfree.

APPRECIATION: All my respect to Ebe, Jal, and Mitch for creating songs that are just so honest in their lyrics--for finding the swak words to express the feelings that we wanted so much to release but often didn't know what to make of. Although I agreed with fellow fans that they could be the Eraserheads of the new millenium, I now think that they belong to a different league, which isn't necessarily more prestigious than where Eheads belonged to but definitely somewhere that also guarantees their immortality in the music industry and in the lives of their fans (naks). To add to this, Ebe is just so sweet and down to earth. I was at a concert last night and when Jo-e and I asked Ebe if we could have a picture with him, he was so game for it but not in the typical I'm-a-rockstar-and-fans-just-adore-me way. You could really feel the warmth and of all the vocalists that we had pictures with, he was the only one who seemed to be genuinely warm and appreciative of his fans. He even put his arm around our shoulders for the pic aww. Well for those who know how Ebe looks like, he definitely isn't a looker but he's so nice that I'd definitely give him pogi points! Plus he's so funny and super kulit!

HOPE: finally a pinoy rock band that wowed us with their own unique style and charm, unlike the many others that are complete rip-offs of manufactured American alternative bands. Sugarfree has proven that you don't have to compromise your art nor target the mainstream just to get into listeners' ears. You'll thrive and be great by just nurturing your own style.

I just love Sugarfree!!!

-----

I just had a conversation with a "long lost friend". I refer to him as such because just like a long lost brother or sister, whom you never thought you had (or still had), he/she suddenly becomes part of your world (again). It's been ages since we've gotten in touch and all those times I thought we'll never get to talk to each other again--being that friendships around us, and probably ours also, have become so tainted and jaded in just a span of 3 years. I now try to recall everything that happened but the whole web of who started what and who pissed who involved too many people and stringed with it too many unpleasant memories that I just didn't see the point of doing so. Anyway, I don't know what he thinks of me, whether he's cast me as one of those he'd rather forget or still as one of those he considers a friend. What the heck, I initiated the conversation anyway. I felt glad, not to mention relieved, when he responded and even when our first topic was about his split knee and torn pants from a fall he just had. The level of our conversation was relatively shallow--what each one has been up to, current interests, stupid tv shows, and OPM--still, I appreciated it because it meant that we were still friends. For my part, I know that I never "disowned" our friendship because even during the most wacked up days, I understood him. He was there for me during my toughest times in the same way I tried to be there for him during his and even if that was just for a phase and despite all the shit that happened around us, I'll never forget the bond we had. Well, we probably won't be able to go back to how it was before but this conversation showed me that at least something's still there. It may not be much but it's something worth hoping for. Hope he feels the same way.

because i'm freaking bored

2006-02-22T16:11:00.000+08:00

my goooooddddd i'm so freaking bored here in the office waaahhhh!!!!!!!
... so I'll reminisce first about Ateneo which i super dooper miss *sigh* i miss college :)
here's something that's been spreading around. might as well see how many of it I've done in my 4 years in college ;)

(X) eat at Manang’s
(X) learn the alma mater
(X) get on the dean’s list
(X) lie down and sleep on a bench along EDSA walk -- Kostka Bench syempre. tig-isang bench pa kami ni echu haha!
(X) be a TNT!
( ) jog around the campus in the evening -- in the nude pa nga dapat diba?!
(X) visit the art gallery
(X) know at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name [ate alma sa colayco!, mang manny of kostka/bell!, ate jenny of lib 2nd floor!]
(X) get a Jesuit for a teacher -- Fr. Nick the best!
( ) itch from higad bites
( ) have gotten an F in something -- muntikan na sa PE101 haha
(X) have taken a crap in school
(X) watched a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game
(X) give a powerpoint presentation
(X) study in the caf upstairs
( ) watch a T.A play (and not because it was required) -- required eh
(X) sit on the SEC ledge and watch the stars
(X) eat in Full House, Martha’s Kitchen, and Ken Afford
(X) sleep in the lib
( ) visit Mr. San Andres
(X) go to the chapel
(X) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad
(X) cut class with your block to watch a movie
( ) sign up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers: Ferriols, Dacanay, David, Manacsa, Ang, Escaler, Arcilla, Totanes, and many others -- i do not like the stress :p
(X) go to CERSA night
(X) have tried siomai rice
( ) learn how to smoke -- haha! well carlo tried to teach me and lani in batangas but it was a failed experiment needless to say :p
(X) fall in love -- but i still wonder if it really was 'love'... especially after th131 haha
(X) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib
(X) play cards during your free time -- extreme PUSOY DOS!
(X) dress in business attire
(X) learn to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight
( ) have gotten side comments from ASSOC
(X) take (and enjoy) Saturday classes -- Pepito!! hindi naman talaga enjoy... pero kesan naman Domdom
(X) go to your immersion
(X) eat Food for Thought sandwiches
(X) get a boyfriend/girlfriend
(X) take time to read the vandalism in the CR doors
(X) watch “Minsan Lang Sila Bata” and “Macho Dancer” for class -- pero hindi ko ata napanood Macho Dancer... damn :p
(X) do a last minute paper (like 2 hours before it’s due)
(X) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures
(X) get exempted from final exams (X) attend a college mass
( ) promise to quit smoking
( ) play hide-and-seek in the mini-forest
(X) know where the best restrooms are on campus -- kostka and SOM!
(X) join an org
(X) allow yourself to make mistakes (but make sure you sort them out before you graduate)
(X) take summer classes
( ) admire the sacred heart statue in the evening
(X) make a video for a project
(X) have a crush on a teacher -- Bulaong, for like 10 seconds! then I realized it was my turn in the orals so I almost threw up haha!
(X) attend a Jesuit retreat
( ) have gotten a parking ticket
(X) come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes -- hell week dress code!
( ) learn how to use the Bayantel pay phones
(X) participate in school activities
(X) catch the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts
(X) date an Atenean
(X) ride a tricycle on campus
(X) find a tambayan -- hay Kostka bench...
(X) admire the marikina valley at night
( ) go drinking along Katipunan
(X) learn how to beg for a higher grade -- but alas Dumlao didn't give me the freaking A. Hence the 0.01 short of cum laude huhuhu
(X) use your cuts wisely
( ) volunteer to be class beadle
(X) had the worst random number for reg -- I was 621 out of 625!!
(X) admire the trees on campus
(X) have forgotten about your freecut and gone to that class (your only one for that day) -- more like hindi nasabihan in advance... argh!
(X) eat in the ISO canteen
(X) be active in your org
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy u like signed up for it
(X) get as many app forms as you can during the job fair
(X) learn how to cram (and still get A’s)
(X) sell tickets (or watch) an org-sponsored movie premiere
(X) save money to Xerox all of your seatmate’s notes
(X) have accidentally seen a make-out session
(X) check out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge
(X) have dozed off in class in Bel right after a class in CTC/SOM/Comm. Bldg or vice-versa
(X) learn how to work with groupmates from hell
( ) perfect the art of parking on campus
( ) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus
( ) develop a love for sisig
(X) learn how to pronounce “AEGIS” properly
(X) have used typing rooms at the library
(X) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function
( ) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries
(X) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella -- all the time!
(X) have used consultation hours properly
(X) Looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn’t break any equipment
(X) visit the Guidance Office -- coz our gay psych teacher wanted us to interview a councilor so we interviewed this one from the guidance office and he turned out to be gay too... that probably gave us the boost to reach an A hehe
(X) and Infirmary -- with my gross wound on the knee

just what i need

2006-02-02T17:11:00.000+08:00

... and i don't mean that in a sarcastic way.
from another friend's webpage:

"We have no reason to harbor any mistrust against our world, for it is not against us. If it has terrors, they are our terrors; if it has abysses, these abyssess belong to us; if there are dangers, we must try to love them. And only if we arrange our lives in accordance with the principle which tells us that we must always trust in the difficult, what now appears to us as the most alien will become our most intimate and trusted experience. How could we forget those ancient myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage" - Raine Maria Rilke

so true

2006-01-29T12:34:00.000+08:00

from a friend's webpage:

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

praning

2006-01-28T12:37:00.000+08:00

Before I left the office last night, I had some small talk with a colleague. Since I'm the youngest in our division and most of them are moms and dads already, I always pick up some pointers in the adult world from our conversations. But last night's conversation was different because unlike in the others, it didn't make me feel more confident nor optimistic. It actually made me feel distressed and desperate.

Colleague: "Ilang taon ka na ba?"
Me: "22 po"
Colleague: "May boyfriend ka na ba ngayon?"
Me: "Wala po"
Colleague: "Nako lagot ka. Eh dito sa opisina, pagpasok mo dapat may boyfriend o asawa ka na, kundi hindi ka na talaga magkakaroon!"
Me: "Hoh?! Grabe naman, bakit niyo naman nasabi yon?"
Colleague: "Eh tignan mo nga karamihan sa mga managers dito matandang dalaga. boss natin dito sa PTD matandang dalaga. sa A&D napakadaming matandang dalaga pero walang binata. Naburo na sa mga trabaho kasi. Kaya ikaw huwag ka masyado magiging workaholic kundi matutulad ka sa kanila"

Its probably because I have at least one old maid relative in each side of my family, and the fact that the ratio of males to females is now 1:8---well whatever it is, the conversation last night made me extra paranoid. Growing old alone is definitely one of my greatest fears, and the worst thing about it is that I have no control of how it'll turn out for me later on in life. its not like studying or working where, if you want to achieve something, you just push yourself to do your best and it pays off in the end. When it comes to having and maintaining relationships, I've found that efforts to have one and preserve it can only go so far, and the rest already depends on accepting the fact that people change and if the changes in your partner is acceptable to you, external factors like relationships with his/her family, and all else that you have no direct control of but unfortunately largely determines if you 2 are "meant to be".

After that conversation which, needless to say, shook me, I rushed to a dinner with some friends. I told some of them about the conversation and how paranoid it made me. And while some shared the same sentiments, one friend of mine said that at this point in her life, her mind set is that if ever she becomes an old maid, maybe it wouldn't be too bad and that she has already accepted the possibility. Actually, my first reaction is that if she turns out to be an old maid, then what worse could happen to me? I mean she's beautiful, nice, sincere, goes the extra mile for the people she loves, uber amusing with her quirks and great sense of humor, everything else that i think a guy would want in a girl. If she turns out to be an old maid, the "laws of attraction" must be totally screwed up.

On the other hand, I found myself wishing to have that mind set too. I mean, if only I could accept the possibility of being fated to singlehood, then i wouldn't be so distressed at all (now that I think about it, I don't think I'm desperate yet. I haven't gone hooking up with just about anybody so far). I'm confused... Anyway, whatever maybe when I'm mature enough?

... The last line I said to my colleague before we parted was "I have to find a boyfriend before I'm regularized". I really felt that when I said it but with such a bleak chance of that happening, I could only laugh at myself for thinking that.

Nakakatawa, nakakaiyak.

missing

2006-01-16T15:25:00.000+08:00

I miss my CAPAP friends!!!
I felt the same mix of emotions on my way back to the Philippines. I’m happy that I’m with my family again and that I’ll be seeing my friends soon, but a part of me remains to be somewhat lonesome because all of a sudden, I don’t have the company of my good friends whom I’ve spent the past month with. During this past trip, I’ve come to know them better and I realized that, especially for them whom I’ve become much closer to, they are the rare kind of friends whom you know you could maintain sincere friendships with even outside work and despite miles and time apart.
Anggy and Yudy are my closest friends in the group, and now that I look back at my most memorable experiences in Vietnam, I find that they are always a special part of it. We share this certain connection that transcends differences in languages and beliefs, giving me the same warmth and feeling of belongingness as when I am in the company of my friends here in my country. Even though we’ve only known each other five months, I feel that I can trust them the same way as I do those whom I’ve known for years already.
I could still remember New Year’s Eve. We were sitting beside Hoan Kiem Lake, stuffed from our dinner at Papa Joe’s, quite exhausted from a whole day of trekking, waiting with such anticipation for fireworks while staring at Hanoi’s version of the Big Ben as it counted down the last minutes before midnight. The clock finally struck 12, people shouted and greeted each other, there were barely any fireworks (since the Vietnamese celebrate the Lunar New Year, which is at Feb), all in all it was quite a low key New Year moment but having Yudy and Anggy by my side was a pretty big deal because at that moment, I didn’t feel homesick since the two of them are family to me already.
Aside from Anggy and Yudy, another person whom I’ve gotten to know better from the last trip is Vu Anh. I am not as close to him as I am with Anggy and Yudy but I felt our friendship got better with this past trip. It has always been my nature to tease and playfully make fun of people and I think that during our trip to Jakarta, he might have thought that I’m a mean brat for doing that. But for this trip, I guess we have found a common ground where we know each other well enough to avoid misconceptions. In fact, I have come to admire him for being the group’s big brother, while he often says that I’m his not-so-little little sister. Che.
Rana is also another person in the group, whom I would say we now know in a different way compared to how we knew him back in Jakarta. Actually now that I think about it, I’m wondering whether we know him in a different way because he is already revealing more of himself to us or because we have totally unleashed his perverted side haha. Since he’s the oldest and therefore the most serious, and probably because of the rigidity or little self-expression that he was used to in his country, the rest of us were probably a culture shock to him. But after a month of silliness, laughter, openly throwing opinions at each other, unabashed conversations about topics that were probably taboo in his country, and our constant teasing about the fact that the most he’s gotten in his 28 years of existence is a kiss on the cheek, its pretty much safe to say that he is more human now and a whole lot perverted :p
I remember a conversation I had with a friend some months ago about what a wonder it is to easily become attached to people whom you’ve only known for a short period of time. Oftentimes, these encounters leave you with an immense feeling of missing them and questions loom in your head about where or when you’d see them again. And definitely, it doesn’t help if you’re one who gets easily attached to people, like me.Oh well, whatever, tersera de, and zigumda. I just might get sadder if I think about it more right now. I guess I just have to be thankful that I’ve come across such special people, and I hope and pray that our friendships remain strong through time and despite the distance.

my first entry using the office PC hehe

2005-12-05T17:32:00.000+08:00

Unlike the past 2 weeks of hectic work, I've finally gotten my semi-rest day today (well that's if my boss doesn't give me new work later :p). Anyway, I wanna celebrate this moment because there couldn't have been a better timing for Yahoo! radio to play one of my favorite songs! Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve! woohoo! I miss this song sooo muchhhhh

----

I was driving (naknampuch!) along Marcos Highway a couple of days ago when I glanced for a second to my right and I suddenly saw a cripple wheeling away... beside my car!! For that split second, my exact thoughts were:
> gago yun ah, hindi kaya siya mabundol sa ginagawa niya?!
> ok shet either sobrang bagal ko magdrive o sobrang bilis niya magpaandar ng wheelchair

The cripple didn't look like a mad man. He was tidy and had arms the size of my damn thighs. He actually looked like an athlete, probably training for SEAG for basketball for the cripple (if there was a category for that during SEAG). But of course to wheel yourself in the middle of the highway also already indicates that there are probably a couple of loose screws in your head. So I think that yes he must be a bit crazy for doing that but if we put ourselves in his place, wheeling ourselves in the middle of the road shouldn't even be half of the hells that we'd have to go through for the rest of our lives. Come to think of it, almost everyone, if not all, has probably lost it when trying to overcome his/her obstacles. And for that, it wasn't really pity, but a kind of amused-admiration, that I felt for the guy on wheelchair because he was showing the world that he has gone past his fears and that he knows no limits. And so I dedicate this portion of my blog to him--a crazy but quite interesting and inspiring stranger--for being so Astig!

----

A BIG CONGRATULATIONS TO CLAIRE AND CHAMS for the launch of their CHURROS franchise!! WOOHOO! CHOO CHOO! I was even their first customer last saturday!... wala bang award yun? ;-) solve na ko sa lifetime supply ehehehe

random thoughts

2005-11-06T22:02:00.000+08:00

i've had my non-pro license for 2 weeks already and i still can't get over how ugly i look in the pic! i look like an ex-con! sobrang lapit pa ng camera kaya pumuputok na yung pisngi ko against the borders of the 1 x 1 pic! argh
----
i'm officially addicted to the ff songs and i dunno why:
ever the same - rob thomas
this i promise you - n'sync (... i know!)
champagne supernova - oasis
big machine - goo goo dolls
sugar we're going down - fall out boy

severe case of LSS!
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bakit walang cute sa floor namin sa office?! bakit bakit bakit?! bakit wala pa akong nakikita na cute sa lahat ng floors?! ay may isa pala... isa lang! shyet sana ma-assign ako sa dept niya later on in my training...
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gusto ko pumayat! pero gusto ko rin upakan yung 6 pack ng Snickers na nasa ref ngayon
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ang lamig naman ng magiging pasko at new year ko... wala ako sa pinas. sana man lang may cute kaming mga makasama, pampainit ng pasko, che. i'll miss my family and friends during the holidays...
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gusto ko kainin yung Snickers...
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i wonder what it's like to live Gwen Stefani's life? Super idol!
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sana magkaroon pa uli ng long weekends soon...
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may nagbabasa pa kaya ng blog na 'to? hmm

emo

2005-10-31T17:37:00.000+08:00

i felt a bit guilty during my flight back to the philippines 2 weeks ago. ayoko pa kasi umuwi, hehe. pero hindi naman dahil sa mas gusto ko sa indonesia, actually parang tumira lang ako sa makati during my whole stay in jakarta. but its more of i've already become attached to the people i met there. paano ba naman sa bawat araw ng 3 weeks ko doon, sila kasama't kausap ko magmula araw hanggang gabi. more than friends, parang naging pamilya na rin kami. i'll still see most of them this december and next april but there are also some that i dunno when and where i'll see again, particularly the 2 Sebs because by the time i go back to jakarta, they will have already finished their internship and are back in germany. ang weird lang kasi to start with, wala naman akong balak maki-close sa kanila coz i've always had this prejudice that westerners always look down on asians, pero hindi ko naman naramdaman yon nung nakilala ko na sila. natuwa rin ako na despite the differences in cultural backgrounds and age (they're 26) we pretty much thought on the same wavelength o baka naman talagang proof lang rin yun na mas matagal mag-mature ang boys heehee joke! anyway, nakakamiss lang kasi gabi gabi sila ka-hangout ko sa garden and we talk about everything under the sun (or moon) as in everything--na hindi ko inakalang madidiscuss ko with people i've only met for just a couple of days. naiiisip ko rin na kung yung dalawang mokong nga na ito na pag gabi at weekends ko lang nakakasama namimiss ko na, paano pa kaya yung mga kasama ko mismo sa training na at least 10 hours a day ko kasama at naging close ko na talaga? even if i'll see them again in the next trips, kailan at saan ko pa kaya sila makikita kapag tapos na yung program? anyway, my point is... its unsettling that just when you've made a connection with someone and have come to the point when you already regard each other as friends, time catches up with you so fast that you have no choice but to move on and part ways. i've felt this a couple of times before especially with some of my good friends migrating abroad, and i guess i'm just feeling it more now because i realized that i'm going to experience it more often than i thought. its as if i realized that i was not able to make the most of the times i spent with those friends before they left the country, so i try to turn things around this time with friends, new and old. nonetheless it still feels sad when its time for goodbyes and right now, its no longer enough for me to think that at least i had the chance to meet and spend some memorable times with them at some point in my life. but then, what i can i do, diba. oh well... tulad nga ng sabi ko sa senior's page ko:

Some people come into our lives and quickly go
Some people move our souls to dance
They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon
They stay in our lives for a while, leave footprints on our hearts
And we are never ever the same.

kaarawan

2005-09-19T02:04:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to me!

I think now about how much I've been blessed and I can't seem to find the words to express how overwhelmed and thankful I am. Ang bait talaga ni God :)

One of the blessings He's given me is my set of friends. I believe I've found the people whom I can grow old with. These are the people whom I can entrust my life to. They may be in another continent, island, or just a couple of minutes away but all the same, they remain to have a special place in my heart. I love you all :)

PG 22?!

2005-09-13T22:23:00.000+08:00

Hay naku bakit ba napakahirap magpalaki ng magulang!

It’s staggering how they’re able to come up with the most far-fetched conclusions, generalizations, and possibilities as to what could happen to us if we do this or don’t do that, and then defend their “theories” by saying that they’re old enough to know how life works. Of course, and as the cliché goes, they just want the best for their children. But in instances when they seem to really take this at heart, how will they ever know where to draw the line between guiding and meddling? As our parents’ children, we are obliged to follow their word but at the same time, we must always recognize that we still own our lives. Sometimes the issue isn’t about differences in points of views anymore. Most of the time, it’s about being held back for they fear that we might learn life’s lessons in the hardest ways. And maybe I’m being a bit too brazen in my attitude towards this matter, but really, what could be so wrong about giving you the liberty to do what you want to do and letting you take full responsibility of whatever you get into? Deepak Chopra once said that the things we fear the most are those that have already happened to us. If you think about this, you’ll find that there isn’t any reason to fear at all, for we have no knowledge of what has not yet happened to us and at the moment when we are already able to identify that which we fear, we have already surpassed it. In fact, when visions of possible tragedies in the future flash in our minds, maybe it really isn’t fear, but rather doubt, that is triggered in our very core. We do not fear that we may come upon these tragedies because at the back of our minds, we already know that as much as another day dawns, it is equally possible that a tragedy may strike us at the next minute. Rather, it is doubt that consumes us. We open wide our imaginations when thinking of the disasters and pitfalls that could break man but we rarely open our minds when we need to acknowledge his capabilities the most. This definitely isn’t the best combination and its so unfortunate that it seems to be the most ‘swak’ explanation as to why parents can be so unbelievably paranoid and overprotective. Every person has his own personal struggles, some or even most of which he doesn’t bother to share with his family and friends, and the fact that he continues to find reason and the drive to live his life day by day already attests to how he was able to survive these personal tragedies on his own. If we’ve all had our fair share of this at each moment in our lives and we’ve managed to come this far, why is it still so hard for parents to acknowledge that we’ll do just fine making our own decisions and running our own lives?

have work already!:)

2005-09-03T16:58:00.000+08:00

Last Tuesday, I had my final interview with the Chief Financial Officer, my ultimate would-be “bosing”. I was fidgeting on the couch and growing more and more tense by the second. I was beginning to realize how badly I want this job. I was afraid that if I missed my chance, I’ll completely unravel and mawalan na ng gana in whatever job I get later on. I know that as much as I can fully motivate myself, I can also give up just like that on everything when faced with defeat. Remembering that they’ll only get 2 from the final 4, I panicked some more. Having to compete has always irked me, and knowing that the other 3 have post-graduate degrees and minors in business courses didn’t make things any easier. At that moment I realized that I’ll just have to rely on guts and kapal ng mukha to squeeze my way through this.

Minutes before the interview, I felt extremely light-headed and by the time that the secretary came and lead me to the CFO’s office, I seriously feared that I might throw up. Fortunately, though, the CFO’s a good-natured type of gal and that made a world of a difference. But just the same, she grilled me and what’s worse was that she rubbed in my face the fact that my course provided me with only 1 accounting subject and that I only got a C+ in it *ouch*. The rest of the interview was all a blur, and before I knew it she was already telling me that she’ll be making her final decision on which 2 to get later that afternoon, and that these 2 will be called the next day to inform them that they’ve been accepted.

I woke up earlier than usual the following day. Without exaggerating, I can definitely say that the thought of waiting for that call had already popped into my mind even before I opened my eyes. I swear I really drove myself crazy waiting all day, and by the time the clock struck 6pm but still without receiving any call, I completely lost it. I went to my parent’s bedroom, sat on the bed and cried! Seriously, cried! Now that I think about it, I never should have expected anything in the first place because the other 3 were really qualified for the position. Anyway, after I’ve ranted my heart out to my parents, I went back to my room and turned on the computer. I figured that since I have not been having much luck in jobhunting, I might as well push whatever luck I’ve got left to the limits by applying to Jobstreet over and over again. So I went online, checked my mail, and just when I was about to click on the jobs alert email, I found an email with the subject “Commercial Apprenticeship”. At that point, all I could do was roll my puffy eyes and think that at least Siemens sends ‘sorry emails’ to the applicants that were not accepted. I painfully opened the email and scanned the text. Upon seeing the word ‘congratulations!’ and reading the first sentence, I was almost falling off my chair. When I finally realized what this all meant, that’s when I really went crazy!

I’m not sure if all that the job entails has fully sunk in yet, and I still haven’t put much thought on how I’m going to prepare for it nor on how I really feel about the whole setup. Of course, a part of me is still up in cloud 9, while another part is still incredulous, and another’s still wondering how I’ll manage being away from family and friends for 9 months. Well, it is just 9 months but nonetheless I can’t help but wonder that ‘nine months rin yun’. Anyway, I don’t want to deal with that just yet. At this very moment, all I can say is that 1) God knows how thankful I am (as in!) 2) novenas to St. Rita do work (you should try it for whatever petition you have :) ) and 3) I’m just happy that I have not lucked out yet afterall, hehe

3

2005-09-03T11:53:00.000+08:00

Three screen names you have had:
but of course... maybelline (from Home Along d' Riles), ali sotto, and badjie... CHE!

Three physical things you like about yourself:
dimples, eyes, teeth

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
braso, pata, at balakang!

Three parts of your heritage:
Filipino, Chinese, Spanish (parang lahat naman tayo eh...)

Three things that scare you:
growing old alone, death of any of my loved ones, paralysis/blindness

Three of your everyday essentials:
food (heller...), tv/music, communication

Three of your favorite musical artists:
shet sobrang dami!!! teka... top 5 na lang... Eraserheads, Coldplay, Alanis Morissette, Sugarfree, Maroon5

Three of your favorite songs:
hay naku sobrang dami rin!! top 5 na lang... With a smile and Minsan by Eraserheads, Hand in my pocket by Alanis, In this diary by The Ataris, So far away by Staind

Three things you want in a relationship:
trust/security, syempre happiness, romance... yikeeee!!

Three lies in no particular order:
i'm as strong as most perceive me to be, i don't give a damn, i'm on a diet :p

Three truths in no particular order:
i love my family and friends :) i'm beginning to understand why certain things in life have to happen, i'm looking forward but at the same time hesitant and clueless of what tomorrow will bring...

Three physical things of the opposite sex that appeals you:
boyish good looks, mejo chunky/chubby para quits lang kami, fair complexion

Three of your favorite hobbies:
watching movies/tv, sound-tripping, hangin out and having good conversations or just foolin around

Three things you want to do really badly now:
to be slim! (not to be confused with "to diet"), to eat all the chocolates, cakes, ice cream, italian, chinese, and spanish food that i can!, travel

Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
lawyer (tss...), politician, corporate slave... looks like i hit a bull's eye there :s

Three places you want to go on vacation:
the whole of Europe!, Japan, Africa

Three kids' names you like:
Anieska, Jakob, Kaleb

Three things you want to do before you die:
travel the world, bungee jump/skydive/climb a mountain, get married and raise a family

Three ways that you're stereotypically a girl:
perky, kinikilig sa mushy stories, rants and raves a lot (i.e. "hay nako mga lalake talaga...", "omigod! i love those shoes!", "omigod! chocolates!", "shyet ang cute nung guy!" etc.)

Three ways that you're like a guy:
parang maton minsan, sa tawa (my gaaad), sometimes with the way I think... can't explain basta na-sense ko 'to

Three celeb crushes:
jesse metcalfe, johnny depp, gael garcia bernal (waugh! hotta hotta!)

kainip

2005-08-17T14:27:00.000+08:00

I have got to be the most impatient person in the whole world! I absolutely totally and completely despise waiting. First of all, a person is deprived of all sense of control of the situation throughout the whole waiting period. In most cases, the person really can’t do much or go that far with whatever he or she’s up to until the time that what he or she’s waiting for has finally come about. Life’s too short! Even if I spend my time on productive and worthwhile activities while waiting, I know in my heart and in my mind that I can only attain fulfillment if that thing that I’m waiting for really does happen. As it is, it’s already quite difficult for me to amuse myself with other worthwhile activities because what I’m waiting for is what’s mostly in my mind. Moreover, waiting brings about your most vulnerable side, and right now I really don’t feel like believing in what others say about how vulnerability helps you mature and grow emotionally and all that drama stuff. Nobody likes the feeling of restlessness and opening up to something that doesn’t have any guarantees.

My friends would have probably guessed by now that I’m talking about work… or rather waiting for that time when I actually have work. I have three interviews this week with companies that I really like and for awesome positions. But right now, I just feel that qualifying for any of the three is just too good to be true so part of me is kind of conditioning myself to just hope for the best while the other part is wary of hoping too much and would just want to get this over with so I could apply elsewhere. God is good. If I don’t qualify for any of these jobs, He’s got good reasons and He’ll probably let me have a job that’s just right for me. I hope.

As of now, I’ve had 5 ½ months of vacation, and I wouldn’t dare exclude the barely 2 weeks that I spent in law school. For most of this free time, the things that I have thoroughly accomplished are: developing a freakishly good memory for the daily schedules of MTV, Myx, Lifestyle Network, AXN, Star World, and ETC (but still not desperate enough to get hooked on reality drama shows) while also developing an uncanny skill for flipping channels (12 flips/second), finishing marathons of Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, and Carnivale each within just one day, learning how to drive (at last!) reading some books and then pretending to read some, removing my wallpapers but became too lazy to paint the walls, got a gym membership for the 3-month plan but became too lazy to use up the last 1 ½ months, and…hmm well I guess that’s pretty much it. It’s already been 2 months since I started looking for a job and my major reasons for wanting to start work is that I’m so bored out of my mind already and I really don’t like the feeling of being unproductive. But the thing is, boredom doesn’t end with looking for work and looking for work isn’t a piece of cake at all… and I’m so stupid for thinking that it’s otherwise. In fact, it becomes nastier when boredom mixes in with the anxiety and frustrations of looking for work. It becomes this one big mess created by a sadist operator of emotional rollercoasters. One minute you feel excited and happy when a company you like calls you and then the next minute a hole is punched through your ego and you become more aware of how little you know or how insignificant your capabilities are when compared to the other mutant fresh grad geniuses also applying for work. To add to that, companies really have a knack for requiring applicants to have previous work experience/s. In the first place, how can fresh grads have the required work experience if nobody hires them? And if ever there’s a crazy chance that someone from the HR department of a company is reading this, if the applicant asks about the status of his or her application but he or she didn’t qualify at all, I believe it to be more humane and kinder to tell that person the truth rather than tell him/her that you’ll call him/her about any progress or something like that. To know the truth is all that a person needs to move on. These are just some of the sentiments that my soon-to-be-employed and employed friends and I have.

On the other hand, however, I don’t think that I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel...yet. I still believe that it’s important to keep a clear vision of the kind of job you really want and not settle for anything just for the sake of already having a job. And sometimes there are times that you just know if the job being offered is not the right one for you, so you decline and hope that you don’t regret this later on. In my circle of friends, majority is already working and so far they like the job they have or at least they don’t have any complaints. As for my fellow hopefully-soon-to-be-employed, I just hope we get through this waiting period as soon as possible and still with at least some of the idealism and optimism we had at the start.

wahahaha!!

2005-08-06T17:54:00.000+08:00

Your Boobies' Names Are: Beavis and Butthead

Get your own Boobie Names

aba...

2005-08-06T09:03:00.000+08:00

You Are a Dare Devil

For you, life is one big dare.
And you're all in for any adventure.
Others find you exciting, inspiring, and a bit intimidating.
You're biggest challenge at this point is trying to top yourself!

How Daring Are You?

political profile ko daw

2005-08-05T12:57:00.000+08:00

Your Political Profile

Overall: 30% Conservative, 70% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

How Liberal / Conservative Are You?

the keys to my heart (quite true...)

2005-08-05T12:48:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

whew...

2005-08-05T11:50:00.000+08:00

It’s been a week since I came face to face with the biggest scare of my life (so far). My mom and dad came home last Tuesday from a general checkup and they told me that the doctor had found a lump the size of a freakin’ fist inside my mom’s uterus and cysts in her breast area. The lump is uterine myoma, a formation of tissues that usually occur at the midsection of women nearing their menopause and could either be benign or malignant, while the cysts may serve as symptoms for breast cancer especially if found malignant. Upon hearing the news, I was so shocked and confused I didn’t know whether to cry or to get angry at my mom for skipping regular papsmear checkups. Worst of all, we had to wait for almost a week for the results to find out if she has cancer from her uterine myoma or from the cysts or from both. Given that I have never been best at being patient nor at being inexpressive, the days of waiting for the results have been some of the worst times I had to endure and I really couldn’t voice out my fears because I didn’t want to burden my parents more by showing how affected I am. There was nothing I could do really but to wait, hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and pray. I’m not all too religious and I wouldn’t describe my praying habits to be the most consistent but literally, God knows how deeply I prayed (seryoso, naiiyak pa ako…). As I had hoped, He listened to our prayers and the results came and showed that neither of the findings showed malignancy.

The results, though they were what we have prayed for, are not the best because my mom may still feel some discomfort in her breast area and she really can’t get rid of it because the doctors do not suggest an operation but rather just regular checkups. Despite this, however, I’d like to believe that what had happened is already a miracle—the very first that mattered the most. Just imagine the growing number of women across the globe who are battling against and then losing to cancer. And then there’s my mom who had two possible symptoms/sources thereby increasing her chances at being part of the unfortunate statistic. But she didn’t become one and I’m still praying that she won’t be later on.

I really can’t seem to find the words to expound on how overwhelmed and thankful I am, and I guess its not necessary anymore that I type in my thoughts because I’ve already told Him all that I wanted Him to know.

But really, thanks God :)

OST of my life (chiz :p )

2005-07-27T20:34:00.000+08:00

here's to all the lost but hopeful youth out there ;)

HAND IN MY POCKET - Alanis Morissette

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

p.s. so what would be the OST of your life?

zodiac signs and trees

2005-07-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

according to my zodiac sign and the tree designated to my birthday, the following are supposed to be my qualities... tumama naman kahit papaano... but i disagree on some parts... basta may parts na tama i'll just ITALICIZE the parts that I DONT AGREE with (haha OC and defensive!)

VIRGO WOMAN
She will be similar to Leo woman in appearance. A slim woman who walks with confidence and pride. She has an egg shape facial structure, high and round forehead. She likes to look straight as if she is searching. She is not a pretentious type and will always say what she thinks.
You will see Virgo woman walks fast. She will try her best to be perfect, to look perfect and to feel perfect even though there is no such perfection. She is very delicate of what and how she dresses. She is bright and easily despair with obstacles. She likes smart guys who will be compatible with her, so if you are a rich dumb guy, you can forget about her right now.
She is not a very possessive or jealous person for she expects respect from her loved one. She does not like a part time lover, or a temporary mate. If she finds her dream man, she will not him go away. If she does not like you, she will always keep a certain distance. Act proper and appropriate is her discipline.
She does not like and can not stand bad languages, cursing words or phrase. She likes a gentleman who open the doors for her. She wants to feel protected and when a man takes care of her, she will feel like a complete woman.

She memorizes everything about other people and about herself very well. She can really keep secrets, you can trust her on this. She likes a refreshing and a mild scent. She is very delicate in maintaining her beauty, so you could see she is seriously picking soap which match and most suit her skin. Do not comment her on this very picky habit, it is her happiness in working full times as a self beautifier.
She is not an innocent angel for sometimes she can be as tough as steel. Even if she easily despairs, she is not the type to cry over it. She is a shy type, so making speech in front of the room can make her nervous even if she walks and talks confidently.
She only searches for true love , not just any love. Her love is an ideal one. She likes to think no one is neater and as effective as her, which can irritate you sometimes for there is no such thing. She likes sweet talk, but she can slip and say something unpredictable and unbearable to you too. When she stops getting mad, she will totally forget what she just said and be an angel again. If you have a date with her , you'd better be there on time.
Flowers and sweet words can calm her down. If you want to say sorry, make it brief and straight forward. Do not drag your apologetic words into a long making it up events, it could lead you to another world war. She likes her man to dress nice and clean. She is good in details especially with money. Do not make her think that she is a clown or funny.
In the beginning of knowing her, please try not to glance at other pretty woman so much. Early period of dating her, try not to hold her so much in public, it would not be a proper thing to do. She loves books, stage plays and music and likes to criticize about them too.
Criticism woman is her icon including big and small things in life starting from your hair, your dress , and the way you talk. If you are in love with her, be as almost perfect as your can.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones,hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them (---> ows?), can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

hopeful

2005-07-04T03:32:00.000+08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure" -- Coach Carter

all together now...

2005-07-04T02:13:00.000+08:00

its been ages since I last heard a Jewel song. I miss Jewel's songs. Hope she goes back to her poetic self. No one's buying her new slutty/pop image anyway.

I chanced upon the music video of this song and listened to the lyrics. Given our country's trying times, one just can't help but relate to this song's message. If only the masa understood english well, this'll probably one of the songs played in anti-GMA rallies. Obvious ba, pro-Opposition talaga ako! anyway, all together now...

JEWEL - Hands

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken
In the end only kindness matters
In the end only kindness matters
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken
We are never broken
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's mind
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's heart
We are God's eyes
God's hands
God's eyes
We are God's hands
We are God's hands

P.S. "I will get down on my knees, and I will pray". at this line, i remembered Cory. Yes we should pray but we can't go by with just praying!! Hello!! Hello Garci?!! Hay naku, she's not even as neutral as she claims to be. Hmpf.

MY baby names

2005-06-26T11:55:00.000+08:00

I dunno yet how many kids I'll have in the future. But just in case I have 3 boys and 2 girls, as I hope I would, I've picked out some names for them :)

For the boys:
Brandon (inspired by Mr. Boyd, no less *wink*)
Jakob (inspired by Mr. Dylan, no less *wink*)
Kaleb
* yes I know they're normally spelled with a C. K just seems to possess more character

For the girls:
Sarynn
Anieska (forgot whether it's Hungarian or French, basta European siya. The original spelling's with a silent G, but that would just confuse the pronouncitaion)

Cool huh? And they all go well with their last name, Syson :p

Whatdyathink? :)

walang gagaya ha!

p.s. yes I know I've been having too much idle time to think about stuff :p

isip isip

2005-06-24T07:55:00.000+08:00

Isip isip.
Nakakapagod na mag-isip. Nakakasawa na nga eh. Pero kahit masuka suka ka na, hindi ka rin naman titigil sa kakaisip. Kasi may hinahanap ka, at madalas hindi mo pa alam kung ano hinahanap mo. Lagot tsk tsk. Sa kakaisip mo, hindi mo na alam kung ginagago o binobola mo na lang sarili mo o kung katotohanan na yung bumubungad mula sa pag-iisip na ito. At kung “katotohanan” man, paano mo malalaman na katotohanan nga ito? Wala namang nakaaalam ng “universal truth”, na siyang tanging basihan ng lahat ng pag-uusisa natin tungkol sa buhay at tungkol sa mundo. At malay ba natin kung may “universal truth” nga. Paano kung umaasa lang tayo sa wala? Scareful! Okay lang basta ang mahalaga umaasa tayo.

Isip isip.
Kahit ilang beses ka nang umupo sa tahimik na sulok, sa tapat ng bukas na bintana, o sa tabi ng umuungol na radyo, hindi ka pa rin nauubusan ng mapag-iisipan. Parang paikot-ikot lang eh. Sangay-sangay pa mga pangyayari’t realisasyon. Minsan nagkakabuhol-buhol pa mga kinahantungan. O baka naman magulo lang talaga ako mag-isip. Lost.

Pero ang labo eh. Ngayon, as in ngayon na nakaupo ako sa paborito kong sulok sa kwarto at nagsisikap na bumuo ng mga salita’t pangungusap na maglalarawan ng pagmumuni ko, wala akong mahinuhang dominanteng emosyon. Hindi ako nalulungkot, hindi ako nagagalak, hindi ako galit, hindi ako nase-senti. Neutral pero hindi mapakali. Hindi naman ako high.

Hmm teka mag-iisip uli ako. Baka matagalan pa. Eh nakakabaog pa naman daw ang matagal na paggamit ng laptop. Scareful.

that ain't ate Glow, it's GMA!

2005-06-15T14:10:00.000+08:00

lintik tong GMA na 'to at mga tuta niya

why do they keep evading the issue at hand by saying that Doble trespassed the anti-wire tapping law! cheating in the presidential elections is a much graver crime!

and whether she's the woman on the tape or not, why isn't she saying anything??

damn corrupt hobbit :p

hayy salamat...

2005-06-14T17:45:00.000+08:00

Four nights ago, I found myself staring blankly at the sixth page of “Constitutional Theory in a Nutshell”—which, by the way, betrays its very title by being 21 pages long. I set down the article and mustered enough courage to admit to myself that I really couldn’t care less for everything I’ve read in the past week, and that the very thought of having to read them over and over again until I memorize them makes me wanna throw up. Two days after, I withdrew from law school—all for the simplest and most honest reason that I am not happy.

For as long as I could remember, I’ve dreamt of becoming a lawyer. I joined debates, supported activities by forensics clubs, even took a course that I deemed as the best pre-law, took review lessons for law aptitude exams, and applied for the top two law schools in the country—the works. But after barely one week in law school, the truth now poked too hard for me to ignore it and as it did, it finally hit me—law isn’t for me at all. I say this with all humility because in all those years that I’ve been gunning to be a lawyer I had also been suppressing doubts of whether I was interested and passionate enough to be one. I don’t deny it—I had been too idealistic, stubborn, and impatient. I wanted to do something, but I wouldn’t settle for baby steps. I want impact, I want action, and I want to be the one or at least one of the people who did a good that allowed others to still believe in what is right and what is just, hence the ambition. But I had been romanticizing a career in law the whole time and when I finally realized this, the irony of what I wanted to do and what I was willing to be involved in was like a well needed slap on the face. I wanted to help pick up the pieces but I didn’t have enough heart to get down and dirty doing so. At this point, I feel that I have yet to fulfill certain personal goals rather than be dead for 4 ½ years with my head buried in a pile of books and photocopied cases and articles. Yes its true that sacrifices have to be made to achieve certain goals, but still I don’t want to throw away 4 ½ years of my life when I could have lived it instead.

The night I finally decided to withdraw from law school, I told my mom and although she never said it, I knew that I had disappointed her big time. The next day, my dad came home from a trip out of town and I broke the news to him. As expected, he didn’t get angry (he never gets angry, exagg but true). He didn’t even lecture me on my indecisiveness, on the fact that I wasted away his money, nor for quitting and letting him down. My parents never pressured me to do anything. They were happy and very supportive of whatever it is that their kids wanted to achieve for themselves, and this makes me feel guilty the most because I know that this wouldn’t have bothered them at all if I hadn’t led them on to thinking that I’m all set to be a lawyer. Over the weekend, I told my friends and some relatives, and of course everyone was shocked.

I’ve now come to a conclusion that, contrary to our notion of quitting as a sign of weakness, there are instances in life when it’s the most courageous and most sensible thing that one can do. It takes a lot of guts to swallow your pride and plant your feet back on the ground. It takes a lot of courage to believe that you have made the right decision, and a leap of faith to keep trusting in the greater scheme of things. But mostly, it takes all of a child’s strength to look her mother or father in the eye and tell them that she doesn’t have the passion to pursue a future that they believed to be the best one for their child.

As the days went by, the shock and suddenness of what I had decided on was starting to wear off. I still think of it sometimes but I never felt any regret for taking such a sharp u-turn, except for turning down considerably good job offers and starting this late to recall them and apply for other companies. But it’s all good. Right now, I’m just happy to know that despite what I had just done, my parents still believe in me and are supporting me in this other path that I’ve taken.

I guess it’s true. At the end of it all, it doesn’t really matter what or how much you have achieved, or what others perceive of you. Inside each and everyone of us, what means the most is that we are happy, and this we have every right to be.

it's now or never

2005-06-09T01:53:00.000+08:00

fuuuucccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!! shit shit shit i'm so screwed

worry wart

2005-05-26T09:20:00.000+08:00

I swear to God I’m growing more paranoid each day. I don’t get it. My period ended last last week so I should be saner and less moody now. Argh! Maybe it’s the heat.

Anyway, a friend of mine said that I should try listing my frustrations and worries down. In that way, I should be able to identify which ones are really worth getting concerned about—at least for the moment.

For those reading this, please keep in mind two things: 1) you know the fallacious reasoning called ‘red herring’? It’s when given a certain situation, you draw so many conclusions and possibilities that are sometimes just far-fetched, or in other words, blown out of proportion. I tend to think this way at times and so although some of my concerns may seem shallow to those reading this, I just cannot fully describe how much I get riled up by even the simplest ones. 2) If insomnia were a disease, I’d be dead by now. I swear, I don’t know whether it’s the lack of sleep or the quiet nights and not having someone awake to talk to that’s making things worse.

Anyway, I’m digressing. Here’s the list:

1. the safety and health of my family
Bluntly put, I just won’t be able to handle a death in the family, whether it’s of a disease, an accident, or of a terrible crime. In just the past months, I got news of friends and acquaintances experiencing deaths in their family for various reasons. Its nerve-racking how these things happen to people you know—like your close connection to that person puts you in greater proximity of experiencing the loss as well. My family means the world to me and I just won’t be able to live it down if I lose any of them.

2. weight problems
Duh obvious ba?! Argh sometimes I wish I were an anorexic or a bulimic—I’ll be psychologically unstable but at least I’m skinny. It seems my life has always been one unsuccessful diet, and I’m so tired of always being the chubby one, of having a hard time finding clothes that fit. Sometimes being complemented as ‘cute’ and ‘huggable’ just doesn’t cut it. I was born fat, but I don’t wanna die fat. I plan to be cremated and it would be utter hell for me if people go to my funeral and instead of finding an urn they find a huge banga holding all my ashes.

3. career
I feel that I’ve done the right thing by entering law school. But with this choice comes the expectation that all the time and effort spent on studying will more than pay off eventually. I don’t wanna end up like some lawyers who can’t get into a firm or can’t make a name for themselves so they just work in a small office near where they live or in an unpleasant but well populated part of the city, hoping that a client will finally come in and employ their services. That’s just depressing. Right now, all I know is I’ll be studying for the next four years, but I really don’t have concrete plans as to what I should do after to get there. I just feel so clueless and nothing seems certain enough to hold on to.

4. finding the right guy
I think if worse comes to worse I’d rather stay single than be with the wrong guy. I remember a conversation I had with a friend some time ago about the non-negotiables we have when it comes to choosing a partner. Right now, more than ever, I believe I should stick to those. But it’s so hard to find a good guy nowadays, what more if I’m looking for someone who has everything I want in a guy. I’m not looking for a perfect guy, just someone who bears my non-negotiables. But how come no single guy has all my non-negotiables? Roar.

5. losing touch with friends
For the past two months, my friends have just started looking for work or actually working. I’m thinking that this may be the reason why it’s kind of difficult for us to find time to get together. Maybe this is just normal. After all we’re just starting to venture out into the world and we’re following different paths. I just want us to still find our way towards each other down the road.

6. environmental degradation
7. the country’s economic crisis
This isn’t BS. I do fear for what might happen to the Philippines and to whole global community. I think this is the reason why I don’t read the newspaper and why I hardly flip on the news channel. They rarely feature something positive, worthwhile, and some segments don’t even have any social contribution. Anyway, I don’t really think my concern is abnormal. The climate we have right now is the strongest proof of the ozone layer’s severe depletion. And the sky-rocketing prices, and ever increasing crime rates and worsening corruption is just sickening and depressing. Ano ba ‘to I’m haunted by images of famine, dead rivers and parched farmlands, wars, droughts, deaths. Maybe I’ve been watching too much documentaries of third world nations…

Hay naku… I have to get some sleep!

it's a happy and gay world out there

2005-05-20T03:57:00.000+08:00

I just found out that Brent Javier’s gay. It broke my heart so badly that it’s only now that I’m able to talk about the gay-bar-adventures I’ve had a couple of days ago :p

I don’t know how or why we chose to go to a “gay-friendly” bar last Thursday but I’m glad we took a chance at a different kind of experience. Being that I’m not much of a bar or clubbing type of person, this night out with some of my friends was a super interesting and an unexpectedly fun one for me. We went to Government, a “gay-friendly” bar in Makati, and although we already arrived there at 10 pm we still had to kill time at a nearby North Park because it opens at 11 pm. Finally after an hour of indulging in MSG-infused Chinese food, we went to see what’s in store for us in the clubbing scene. To my and a girl friend’s delight, girls get in for free—probably a “consolation prize” for us because there’s no way we’d get to hook up with a straight guy in that place. But as it turned out, it was a win-win situation for us. If you’ll ask me, it’s the perfect clubbing environment. We needn’t have to worry one bit about our hair, our make up, or how we moved to the beat--no one’s gonna check us out anyway. And so we danced the night away with ‘our boys’ and in the midst of the colorful laser beams, blaring dance music, scantily clad dancers on the platforms, and the gyrating and booty-shaking gays, (questionable) guys, and a few girls, we had the time of our lives. After a night of this newly found kind of fun, my girl friend and I thought of bringing our hyped up fondness for gay bars to the next level, and so that Saturday we went to Bed, an intensely gay bar in Malate that seemed to have become more popular and attractive after it was raided last December 2004.

Ironically, Bed was nothing like the ones we have in our rooms. It wasn’t cozy, it was intense and raunchy. It wasn’t homey, it was somewhat alien and new to me. It wasn’t soft, it was hardcore. Neither will you be able to sleep in it in your own privacy, because you’ll be kept wide awake with the close to a hundred gays making out, gyrating and rubbing against each other. But it was all part of the experience and the fun, and that we had lots of until the wee hours of the morning.

Going to Government and to Bed was like scratching an itch that’s been part of a rash I’ve had for quite a while already. Nope I’m not converted to a bar or clubbing type of person, and definitely not into a gay. I’ve just always had a thing for the new, the exciting, the shocking, the adventurous, and the unpredictable. I remember in one Philo class last semester, our teacher used as an example how when we’re leaning towards the edge of a balcony or of anything high above the ground, we know well enough that we’ll be nothing but a bloody pulp if we jump off but still we feel that certain inclination to do just that. And I guess most of the time that’s the kind of rush I’m after. I’ve always found myself daring myself, and seeing how much of the experience I could take in. Sometimes I think maybe it’s because of the sheltered environment I grew up in. My parents aren’t strict and overprotective but they’ve always offered us the most comfortable and safest means that they could provide. Same as with most Ateneans, I do appreciate this kind of upbringing but now that I’m old enough, and entering UP in a couple of weeks, I find myself constantly gearing up for the real world. I figured if I’m going to set out to see the world, I might as well absorb it in all its wildness, unconventionality, disorderliness, and unpredictability. Maybe in this process, I’d be able to appreciate life more and not just its finer aspects, and that when I do recover from the shock of it’s roller coaster ride, I’ll find that it may be a wild one but it wouldn’t have been as fun and as fulfilling if it were any other way.

And so with this, I guess trips to gay bars may have something to do with setting out for the real world after all. Despite the notorious notions we have of both, our curiosity continues to grow and gets the better of us. And so leaving our comfort zone, we enter a place where nothing’s familiar to us and we feel that we might not belong there at all. But you dare yourself to explore, to go with the flow and dance to the beat, and to try to see things from the point of view of those who already belong… and at the end of the day, you can’t help but smile because it wasn’t so bad after all.

brownout na naman?!

2005-05-06T17:43:00.000+08:00

This sucks! It’s already 2:30am, I still can’t sleep and what’s worse is that there’s a friggin brownout! Roar!! Why do they even call it a brownout? Nothing around me looks brown :p but the bigger question here is, why the hell are we still having brownouts? It’s so eighties! Brownouts during the nineties and especially in the new millennium are absolutely exasperating. Not only do we suffer in this tropical climate but MORE IMPORTANTLY, we’re now too old to play patintero, agawan-base, piko, and all the other fun games we played in the streets during brownouts back then. Nothing really beats being a child of the 80’s—life’s so simple and carefree that we appreciate even the damn brownouts.

Now if only I could get sleepy before my laptop’s batt runs out…

a poem dedicated to me (?)

2005-05-04T21:19:00.000+08:00

This is so cool! I googled my name and saw a webpage with this post

..:: Dedicated 2 (my nickname and surname) ::..
When people are scared to believe and dream,
God will send them a soul to help them gleam
The power and consistancy one can have,
brings more spirit and life to our other half
Cause it`s easier to bare,
when we learn to share & care
The difference will be,
that we`re no longer alone,
but together as you & me
Time is not a quality for the friendship you build,
but Love & Trust is,
and here it`s for filled...

i don't know the owner of the web page and i don't think he/she knows me as well. gosh there's another person somewhere in the world who has the same name/nick name and surname as i do! aww and i thought i had the most unique name...

oh well, the poem was nice :)

i believe

2005-05-01T20:53:00.000+08:00

...something nice i picked up somewhere

I BELIEVE

I believe-
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I believe-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.

I believe-
that you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down,
will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I believe-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-
that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out you will find the strength to help.

I believe-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

two great loves

2005-05-01T06:00:00.000+08:00

I've just fulfilled one of my "goals" for this summer -- to complete my collection of Sex and the City episodes on vcd! Well, it may not be much of a goal for others but Sex and the City is my own version of the Purpose Driven Life (which, by the way, i wouldn't be caught dead reading).

In one of the episodes, Charlotte said that a person experiences only two great loves in his/her lifetime. A great love is one who has created a huge change in your life when he/she became part of it. Hmm this made me worry...

If what Charlotte said was true, then how many more chances do I have of ever finding the one great love of my life? What if two great loves come into my life and yet none of them is the one? I don't think I'm being selfish here at all. In fact, I'm not even asking for the two great loves, and just like in Jack Johnson's song, all that I am Sitting, Waiting, Wishing for is the one. At the bottom of it all, it doesn't really matter if we get to have all two great loves because we can be the happiest person in the world with just the one.

In search for the answer to my previous questions, it has become inevitable for me to look back at my past relationship. Sadly, there's not much to look back to. It went so bad that it earned itself an even worse ending and a spot at the back attic of my memories. Of course there were pleasant memories too while it was still good but looking back at those seemed like finding a spoon in a pool of forks because the horrors of the latter part of the relationship has drowned the good ones. And so this brings me back to my musings about the great loves. Without a doubt, I am no longer the same person after I got out of my first relationship and one could easily say that I have changed. If I have become a changed person after that relationship, and if we are to follow Charlotte's description of a great love, then logicaly this would mean that my ex is already one of the two great loves that my poor soul is entitled to. Ngeh! and Che!

This is kinda hard for me to swallow. How could a great love cause you that great pain and angst? It doesn't make sense... the equal magnitudes of the supposed love and the pain totally nullifies the relationship. In the first place, I would think that a great love should bring about growth, magic, sparks, butterflies, flowers blooming, rainbows and all that jazz not traumas and regrets. And so in my attempt to make sense of this sentimental mess, I've stumbled across one possibility. What if I didn't change at all and it was just that I got to know better a truer part who I really am? This is just a question of whether who I am now is a completely new person or someone I just didn't know was inside me all this while. Well it's true that before I entered the relationship, I've never really put much thought on the qualities I'm looking for in a guy. I've always believed that if it felt right to say "yes" to the guy, then that's probably the right guy - afterall, women's intuition always saves the day :p . With this everything would have gone right except for one important detail -- I was nothing close to a "woman" when I listened to my "intuition"... and the rest was history, in every sense of the word. The point is, I believe that I am still the same person, it's just that this same girl has now grown into a woman. I may not be a woman in the fullest sense of the word, but I'm content in knowing that at least now I know what I want in a man and more importantly, what I want in my life.

And so what now? I guess if I'm lucky I still have my two chances of finding the one great love of my life. And if I'm luckier, it'll probably be him the next time my intuition kicks in.

oh no im blogging

2005-04-27T01:05:00.000+08:00

argh i promised myself i'd forever be computer illiterate but ho ho ho look at me now, im actually blogging.

i've just been having a lot of thoughts running through my mind lately and i remembered what our english teacher in freshman year (college) said: in moments when you feel it the most, write in white heat and edit in cold blood. well, im not sure i'll do the latter..i'm not even sure i'll inform my friends abt this blogspot. but if you're reading this now, well hey that means you're one of my trusted few *wink*

anyway, i've just chatted with a friend over YM. we did a lot of catching up. we've been friends since HS and we went to the same college and chit-chatted once in a while when we bump into each other. we weren't that close, but it still came as a melodramatic shock to me when she told me earlier that one of our friends/HS batchmates has gone to the states (and i knew this only now!i didnt even see her during our college grad!) and that she (the one im chatting with) will be leaving as well next week. it made me sad and, for the most part, frustrated. i'm sad that friends have to leave the country and that families have no choice but to part with their breadwinners just so the latter could provide for the rest. i'm sad that relationships are stretched to their limits and that some or most break up because the girlfriend or the boyfriend has to seek a brighter future for his career in an alien country. You see, before life in our country became this sickenlingly difficult, these people believed that the bright future they ought and will live will be in the company of their loved ones and in the secure embrace of our mother land. I can't believe that in just a span of 2 decades we managed to screw up our country this bad. I guess this now leads me to my second and stronger feeling--frustration. I'm frustrated at how our country and our people are trashed and looked down on by everybody else in the whole global community.. oh i forgot, Bangladesh might not be looking down on us because we're of the same economic status, well a big 'whoopdeedoo' :p sarcasm aside, i'm frustrated that people placed in the government are becoming worse and worse each time we have a new administration. Come on, GMA? She boasts of graduating from Georgetown and having degrees in Economics, yada yada yada. But look at us now, in a couple of years we might already be the first member of the 3.5th world (the remaining 0.5 to the 4th world is not far from possible. just you wait if an edsa 4 happens and Noli replaces GMA). What's worse is that her husband does more corrupting than she does because the worthless amoeba of a man has so much idle time because he doesn't work at all. Corruption is so prevalent that you'd be shocked to know that you're related to a corrupt person/official in the third or even in the second degree. Just some of the many examples, a coursemate of mine is a son of a corrupt congressman, a batchmate (and one of my worst enemies in 1st year) is a son of a corrupt BIR exec and has a case filed against him because one of their properties is under his name, the heads of the family (one a military general, the other a contractor) of two households in my neighborhood are incognito because apprently they were involved in scams, heck even my ex is a son of a grafter. I'm frustrated that everyone in government's stealing the country's money and i can't do anything but blog about it. I mean yah sure an eternal optimist will say that the youth can always do something. But the damn system's so full of damn corrupt officials that even before a good soul tries to tap into their conscience, the filthy system swallows him up too in a blink of an eye! Come to think of it, I'm more than frustrated--I'm SICK of all that we have to put up with. I wish there's this huge Joy anti-corrupt liquid dishwashing soap that we could pour over Malacanang, the senate, the congress, the supreme court... well i guess over the whole country! I guess that if that were possible, the sebo in society will edge away until it diminishes, leaving the center of power clean again.

The theme for my college batch's graduation last March 19, 2005 is Hope. Apparently, all the ugliness, corruption of the mind and soul, distraught, desperation, pains, and deaths that our society and our whole country has experienced throughout history haven't managed to kill what is most vital--Hope. Until now, the older generations and ours as well, continue to hope that our country will be at the top of the wheel of life (for a change) and that we can be instruments of the realization of this dream. As a half realist, a quarter pessimist, and a quarter optimist, i can't say for sure yet that we can. Still, I hope we can.

When i was just a wee little toddler, my mom brought me along to her session with the well reputed fortuneteller, Rene Mariano. The latter saw me and told my mom that he sees a star on my forehead, a sign that should mean I'm bound for popularity. He says it's the same star he saw on Sharon Cuneta's forehead when her mom brought her along for a fotunetelling session when she was still a little girl. Rene also said that he sees me entering politics in the future. Considering everything I've said above, I'm not so sure if that'll be in my plans after I finish law but if I do end up in government, I sure as hell will do what I can to straighten things up.

Anyway, political figure or not, I'm sure as hell won't be the next Megastar!